Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Abandon all Hope Ye who Enter here

I've been thinking a lot lately about hope. It seems to me that it is always absent in my life, either due to my innate cynicism or the pressures of the outside world. It's hard to have hope when you're constantly in competition with yourself, and everyone else for that matter. It seems we forget about the goal and concentrate only on the means. There's a line that was cut out of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly that was subsequently used as an episode title for Weeds: "If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?" It's simple (and quirky) enough to describe my predicament. I wish I could just lay back, watch the world go by and do as I please for the rest of time, but it's never possible. Responsibilities set in with age, dictated by the society in which we live; we must work, we must make money, we must be independent by depending on others. It all seems so pedestrian.

And, in spite of this, I constantly feel as if I'm setting myself up for failure. Instead of pursuing some career that is reliable or stable I chose to go into intensely competitive fields that feed on rewarding the "best" and disregarding the "rest". Initially, I chose to participate in "art" because it was what made me happy. It makes enough sense: do what makes you happy and you'll be happy. Not true. Any personal gratification I acheived through expressing myself has been tainted. It's all about profit and showing someone up and proving to the rest of the world that you have something. Perhaps creativity should not be a business, but nevertheless it is. Why is success only attainable through money?

I feel hopeless. I wish I could just be.


.kate said...

let me tell you a little story about being.

it ends with your boyfriend breaking up with you, leaving you homeless and without a dependable source of income.

This week, I have learned that you maybe don't have to work at a job you love right now. We are such an instant gratification generation. If we dont like what we are doing, we tell mommy and daddy and they help us out. We never have to put our big kid britches on and deal with life.

This is the first time my parents have urged me to stay out here and weather the storm.

And finally on the 6th day, I am feeling better. A little better each day. and in 6 days I have gotten a job interview and met some new potential roomies.

Sometimes we need our "being" to be threatened to evoke some change.
Everyone is hopeless, but ive made a decision to fight for my life here.

and to be honest, it feels good.
I am forced to be. I have nothing else.

Being is good, and can bring change. You'll figure it out. We are just a bunch of wasted talent.


Gorgeous Things said...

I feel the same way sometimes, and I even changed careers completely (from high tech to fabric) to do something I love. What helps me is doing something every day that I really enjoy, that has nothing at all to do with my business. It doesn't have to cost anything. It can be practicing singing, it can be taking the dog for a run or it can be walking around the mall shoe-window shopping. The point is that I get away from business and let my mind wander. Maybe that can work for you?

TheNYCourier said...

Thank you both for the advice ;).

Changes are in order.